This video answers a lot of my unanswered questions about the brain and when your body is about to wake up after being knocked out or in sleep mode. So every time I was having a nightmare of demons, it was actually a way for my brain trying to scare me to wake up before I die from some internal clotting or other unknown damage. I feel much better knowing that there is no actual ghost trying to follow me around and steal my life causing mysterious accidents. These are the types of nightmares I’ve been getting for the past couple years. I wake up in a sweat in fear trying to figure out what it could be, but now it’s clear to me. The stress, the events, the lack of control and the losses all add up. Even though we may survive, we have to live with these scars and the PTSD. Sometimes I wonder why I am still fighting to survive, what is there left that I haven’t done yet? And generally why do people with disabilities still want to live? I’ve been watching “It’s OK to not be OK” on Netflix and every episode has left me in tears. Whoever wrote it did such a wonderful job, I don’t even want to bother completing my manga. But, it’s comforting to know someone out there have the similar issues.
I haven’t been writing because my workload has been overwhelming and I’m trying my best to cope with the changes and deal with the unnecessary stress. The reason I retired was because I know my boundaries and I know what my body can handle. But I met someone who told me he eats a little bit of fruit that he is allergic to very often and just fight symptoms. I thought he had COVID because he wouldn’t stop coughing. Two people tested positive on the 4th floor last week. So I have about a month until my symptoms exacerbate. Right now I feel tightness in my brain, and a strange flavor in the back of my throat. Sometimes I have a hard time breathing and my temperature would increase along with rapid heart beats. I just wait it out and think about what I would like for my last meal.
So yesterday I got takoyaki in lieu of calamari and some pork belly slices. My mouth was sort of in heaven briefly. Earlier last week I also ate black sesame ramen and lots of rice! Yes, I did get worse, but it was worth it. I stocked up on my favorite Chip Star, but I keep running out of it because I snack all day long again. I really can’t help it, food brings me comfort now. Yes, I think I gained weight since I was not able to run or sleep. I do try my best to walk. This reminds me of the time a little toddler who chased and stopped me from jogging last week because he really wanted to know my name. He was so cute, if I have a son, I would name him after that boy, Tom. Then a cute puppy jumped on me. Since I can’t have any pets, I go to the park to see lots of puppies.
That’s my kind of fun nowadays. I really miss the nights of loud music and jumping around acting crazy with my pals but now those days are gone. We don’t even talk anymore. This reminds me of a strange dream I had a few days ago of Wok’s mom throwing a tantrum because she didn’t want to have dinner with me. Wok was happy because he felt that he could control me since I was hanging out with his family. It was strange and I was so uncomfortable and disgusted with him. The dream gave me a chance to reflect on my relationships and to heal my past. I felt a sense of relief to finally be free of toxicity. I realize now why I have to let go of everyone. It’s strange because dumpling texted me right before I started writing this. I thought I let go but I still have this urge to make him see what has happened to me. He thinks nothing is his fault which is just crazy. Why would I keep dealing with a crazy person like Dumpling who is a worse version of Wok and BahnBao combined. He does not need to see anything now that I think about it because he only cares about himself. Only Sushi can have my attention, but he deserves much more.
COVID will leave us all with a disability worse than what we have right now. So if everyone is special, then no one is. But while I wait to go, I will enjoy what is in front of me right now. I used to not want to die while working and not getting to do what I actually want, but after watching Jumanji I learned that it’s actually normal to be working until you die and there really is no such thing to retire. I’m finally where I want to be and I will work on my manga and music for you until the day I die.
This might be my last post for a while. I’m excited to start posting the manga episodes very soon!
XOXO
Quarantine 2019 