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09112020 19:49:00

Hell on earth… that’s what it looks like in the west coast. My car is covered in white particles and it’s hard to breathe. I felt like passing out while driving home. I was a little glad that I’m not in the bay but the thought of people burning in their cars driving away was so horrible. As I left the parking lot, I saw the red sun behind the bluish grey clouds. It looked like I was in a painting. There was a handful of giant crows sitting on a white fence and on the patch of dirt in the corner. It’s like one of those lonely dark scenes from the Walking Dead. These wildfires remind me of my nightmares, which is getting more difficult for me to paint since my dreams are getting more realistic by the day. I get so afraid every time I open my drawing app. Actually, I get scared of everything since I’m so sleepy. My boss told me she also couldn’t fall asleep last night and we both went home a little bit earlier, but I walk so slow, I still got back at my usual time. …Time….feels like I’ve run out of time… this is a very weird time… I met with StrawberryPie last night and we talked for hours, but he has not changed. He is no different from Cheesecake and SugarPie. I think they are starting to rub off on me. But last night I noticed a change in me. I was not blaming anyone and all I did was listen to his stories. I concluded that I don’t want to live around here anymore. I got my “dream job” but it’s been changed so much that it feels like all of my sacrifices have been in vain. If I could turn back time, I would have focused on being more present and less of a workaholic.

This entire week has been so strange ever since I dreamt of Sushi moving to another state. I was devastated and heartbroken. I woke up feeling so empty and uneasy and estranged from everyone. I do not know what to think of it. But the thought of possibly seeing him tomorrow is so scary to me also and I don’t know why. He makes me nervous, happy and afraid and confused all the time. It’s so strange, I can’t figure out what it means—it’s overwhelming.

Another dream I had was about my gay friend recently splitting from his boyfriend. We were on a rooftop and he tried to hug me and find comfort but it was awkward because we were both gay in the dream. I also woke up in confusion as to why I even had such a dream…

This morning I dreamt of Wok in a cafeteria mall trying to look for brunch. Then he gave me a back massage and I didn’t want it to end. My group of friends showed up with their chick fil Le and we started walking to look for seats. Then I saw a blue couch along the wall and a bunch of strangers laying next to each other. There wasn’t enough room for my friends and I, so we split up and I was sandwiched between two guys. It seemed like it’s the new norm for homeless people to sleep at a nice air conditioned mall. The guy’s alarm woke me up and I was about to smack him, but it was my alarm in real life. I rolled out of bed and raced with some Tesla’s…they beat me and I was 10 minutes late. The janitor mocked me. I dunno why…but he gives me the creeps.

I think I spent the entire day watching the news:


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