I feel deeply disturbed from my 3 dreams last night and the health problems I’m having today. I can tell that I might not make it in the next few days, just like I can tell when I’m about to faint. It’s the strange tightness or dryness I feel in my veins. It’s the pang in my lower half of my heart. It’s the numbness in my tongue and the tightness in my throat. I also have a floating balloon in my stomach and everything looks blurry–so it makes me wanna throw up dry air. It could be the side effects…psychosis is one of them. I feel anxious and afraid of things around me, but I keep telling myself, it’s just my mind playing tricks on me to calm down. I finally got a stick to practice martial arts, but I can barely lift up my arms. They feel like there’s 50 pounds of water balloons pulling them to my side. I feel itchy everywhere and my eyelids are so heavy. This reminds me of a video I watched in February about the young Chinese girl vlogging about her last days in the hospital due to Covid19. What was the point of the vlog, why did she do it, and who would watch it–did it help her? It helped me, as a viewer, to understand her point of view slightly and to appreciate my own life a little bit for being able to stay alive a little longer than she did. I guess it was for her last moments of reflection and some sort of connection to others. But these are thoughts I would never share with anyone I know, yet I share it openly to a random world of strangers. That’s exactly what artists and musicians do–they make themselves vulnerable to the world. If I reach Thursday, I will start on my new album. I’m not sure how or if I am even able to take my math exam on Wednesday at this rate, but I will try to be there. If I pass in this condition, that would be a miracle.
Disturbing Dream 1:
My colleague was having an exit interview with my boss, but in the end, she stayed and was preparing to replace me. She got to sit next to me and my space was transformed to fit her on my right side and all the shelves and plants were moved. I was ticked off that everything got moved around, but slightly happy to have her work beside me. [I am disturbed because I have a feeling that I will be replaced very soon.]
Disturbing Dream 2:
I was going to a place to ride on a go-cart by myself. I waited in a very long line. Then it was my turn. The inside looked like a gym. There were humans at the reception area, but they had me meet a woman through a device similar to facetime, but it floats around like a projector image floating in midair without a background. The blonde woman found me and told me to carry my cart and follow her. I was already buckled in, so I decided to drive, but that was a bad idea because there were so many people in the way and I kept losing sight of her. She was walking way too fast and I was so irritated. Eventually, I had to get out of the go cart because there were stairs. I had a hard time carrying the cart up the stairs because it was so heavy. I felt my heart was going to give out and I was so winded and tired I eventually lost her. Everyone else was relaxed and sitting in towels as they watched me struggle up the stairs. The stairway section was like a sauna area for both genders. The tour guide lady came back towards me and lead me to our destination, which turned out to be for rock climbing. I was upset because I did not have the energy to rock climb and told her I was there for go-cart racing (by myself, which is crazy because why would I race without others on the track?!) She started to put her harness on and ignored me and rolled her eyes. I explained to her my health situation and she asked me, “So you’re here to have fun even though you’re not supposed to be out?” Then she gave me a harness even though I told her I didn’t want to climb! I was getting so frustrated with her because she was acting like an AI that didn’t understand human emotions and was just doing what she was programmed to do. She gave me a headache in my dream, and then I woke up with a real headache on my right side, which is still bothering me as I type.
Disturbing Dream 3:
I went back to sleep and again I was back in the office. A patient and his family walked into the waiting room. He needed to see his therapist, but I told him we are not supposed to have any patients at this time. Then his children and sisters were making a lot of noise and he was still waiting and begging me for help to see his therapist in our own special language, which made me feel connected to him somehow. The lights on my side of the wall were all off and it was super dark and I was about to fall asleep at my desk, but at the same time, I couldn’t because of the noise. Then my boss came into the room and told me to tell them to leave. I felt so bad because I wanted to help him, but I ended up telling him to leave as she requested. I strangely felt heartbroken for the family.
Yesterday’s Odd Dream:
I was performing in a play or some Broadway show. It ended, and I got to take a break. I saw my old colleague sitting at a student’s desk. She was giving me some advice while stealing nailpolish and other knick knacks from the desk. She spoke to me with a straight face. We both had an inner knowing that I wasn’t going to report her and she can get away with anything. I can’t remember the advice she was giving me, but I remember I thought it was very helpful. As she was speaking to me, my alarm went off, and I was trying to look for my phone. Then some guys came to me and told me I was up next for the ad lib gig. Normally, I would be nervous and have stage fright, but I was fine and I oddly accepted. I think I was supposed to wake up from having stage fright, but since I wasn’t afraid, I didn’t wake up. My alarm kept ringing and I was still looking for my phone while I was on the stage. I heard the director say, “turn that thing off!” And I finally woke up and noticed my alarm was ringing for 2 minutes! In the dream, it felt like it was ringing for 10 minutes!…Yes, I was late…because I move like a snail now.
Lately, I’ve been watching random videos of gators and sharks and other strange things in the sea. Here is an interesting one about parasites altering the brains of their hosts:
If I had something take over my mind– which sometimes, I feel like I do when I get uncontrollable urges to eat sweets and breads… At least you know what I’m thinking and what my last few days are like through this blog…
Remember my other dream about the man coming into my room? Not sure if I wrote about it. But this weekend in real life he was in the backyard. I saw him through the doors and windows. He had the same build and the same black shirt and skin tone as the person in my dream. He came to pick up the car that I thought was not working which was filled with cobwebs. It’s crazy how I dreamt of someone I did not even know. I did not introduce myself because I was sleeping and did not feel like interacting with strangers. He is either my roommate’s brother or a friend…but still remains faceless and mysterious to me. I had a chance to meet the family and friends last time when I went to the zoo, but I was too tired to go to the after-party! Holiday parties are coming up… not sure what the plan is, not sure if I will make it to November…
This reminds me of a story my aunt shared of her best friend. He was found at his desk a few years ago with his pen on the floor. His face turned to the right with a smile and his eyes were opened. It looked like he was bent down to pick up his pen. That’s how his secretary described him to his widowed wife and my aunt. I didn’t know him that well, but that’s not how I want to be found! …I would like to be found resting comfortably in my bed…I remember as a kid, I would tell my friends that I do not want to be 60, and that I would like for someone to put a poisonous frog in my bed before I get too old. Silly wishes the heart desires… looks like it’s coming true in an odd way just like all my other strange wishes I will not mention.
Quarantine 2019 